Belt Sanders and Brooms: Speaking the Truth in Love (Part 2)

There were three major things Kathy and I learned to begin to resolve conflict right in our marriage. Our old conflict resolution patterns were destructive and leading us toward divorce. If we were going to learn to speaking the truth in love we needed to do three things:

1. Getting Honest With Yourself

Speaking the truth without love doesn’t work. I would act like a belt sander saying things in an abrasive way. Verbal jabs, sarcasm, powering up, slander, self-righteousness became my natural response. My words would leave sand paper scars on Kathy. The hard truth is people who speak the truth without love often end up with revolving door relationships because they abrasively push people away.

Being loving without speaking the truth doesn’t work. Kathy would act like a broom and sweep the problem under the rug. Cowardice, avoiding, ignoring, TipToe around conflict, enabling became her norm. The hard truth is people who love without speaking the truth often end up with shallow relationships because they’re afraid of the conflict that will result from being honest.

2. Stop Focusing on Changing Them

David starts Psalm 139 by focusing on what everyone else is doing wrong, but by the end he courageously looks at what he needs to do to change. He prays a high risk prayer, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-4 The truth is it’s a lot easier to deal with other people than it is to get on my knees, and say, “God Deal with Me! Expose the dark parts about my heart that are not fully yielded to you. Acting as a Belt Sander or a Broom isn’t just hurting my spouse, it’s hurting me and most of all it’s offending You, God. Bring all that junk into the light. Expose it to your power and your grace so it can be changed by you.” We’ll never resolve conflict right until we get serious and ask God to deal with me!

3. Get Serious about Allowing Christ to Change You

BELT SANDERS: If your tendency is to “speak the truth, the next step is to listen love and affirm your spouse. You may be a black belt in speaking the truth, but you’re a white belt in love. Respond slowly, stop talking and start listening. When I’m abrasive, I’m hurting deeply the one I love the most. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs” Ephesians 4:29. Did my word this week build up or tear down? Did I speak gently and tactfully? What can I do AND say this week to affirm to let them know I deeply love and care for them?

BROOMS: If your tendency is to “be loving,” the next step is to risk their rejection and speak up. You believe that if you speak up, you’ll make it worse. Keeping quiet isn’t helping; it’s hurting. Proverbs 10:10 says “Someone who holds back the truth will cause trouble. But the one who openly confronts works for peace.” Tell yourself conflict is not bad. It’s not a crisis, but an opportunity for growth. Where am I holding back? What do I need to say? The only way to deepen intimacy in a relationship is through conflict. Speaking up will strengthen the relationship.

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic

Speaking the Truth in Love (Part 1)

In our first two years of marriage, Kathy and I didn’t handle conflict well. It was horrendous. Any time a disagreement would come up, I would attack and she would retreat. I would blow up and she would clam up.

After a couple of marriage retreats, we came to learn the truth about why we acted the way we did.

In my house growing up, we would yell. When we were irritated, we would raise our voices and tell each other what was on our mind. When we were mad, we would throw stuff. When we were really pissed, we would say nothing. In Kathy’s house growing up, they handled disagreements completely different. Actually they wouldn’t argue at all. It was peace at all cost. If they were irritated, they said absolutely nothing. When they were mad, they would sweep it under the rug. When they were really pissed, they would write a letter.

When I would raise my voice and tell Kathy what I was thinking, she would think, “This guy is completely out of control. Maybe it will blow over, so I’m saying nothing,” What did silence mean in my house? Anger, so I would in turn blow another gasket…then she would get more quiet. We were a divorce just to waiting to happen.

Which way was right?

1. Speak the Truth: It doesn’t matter who you hurt. This resulted in verbal shrapnel all over the place.

2. Be Loving and Say Nothing. Sweep everything under the rug. This resulted in a lumpy carpet of unresolved issues, which we both would trip on.

Neither. Both are wrong. Both don’t work.

I was good at speaking the truth. She was good at loving. What we needed was to learn to do what Paul said in Ephesians 4:15 “Instead, WE WILL SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” We needed to learn to speak the truth in love.

And the journey of learning a whole new way of resolving conflict began…

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic

Marriage: Ground Rules for Fighting Fair

Everyone fights, but most couples don’t get it right. Many people never sit down to establish ground rules as husband and wife for handling disagreements. Here’s six that have helped Kathy and I in our eighteen years of marriage.

1. Choose the Right Place and the Right Time. Set up a time when you both are not tired or hungry. Have some watch the kids. Sit down face to face/eye to eye/knee to knee. Hold hands, pray and ask God to give you wisdom to discuss this peacefully.

2. Focus on the Issue, Not Winning. Learn how to attack the issues without attacking each other. You are both on the same team working together on a solution to the problem.

3. Allow One Person to Speak at a Time. Don’t’ talk over. Don’t talk down. Come ready to listen to their side and ready to figure out next step.

4. Try to Understand Their Underlying Hurt, Fear, Frustration. The underlying emotions in any disagreement are fear, hurt and frustration. Understand yourself. Understand them. Ask questions, listen to what’s beneath the conflict and try to see the pain from their perspective.

5. Confess My Part of the Conflict. Even if you are only 1% wrong and 99% right, apologize and confess your part. “I’m sorry for overreacting.” “I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel.” “I’m sorry for hurting you.” Be the first person to say, “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me…”

6. Commit to Forgive Each Other. Forgiveness is the foundation of every relationship and marriage is a commitment to daily forgiveness. Don’t say, “It’s no big deal”…Say “I forgive you for…” and move forward.

These six steps weren’t easy for us to learn and we don’t always have it all together, but they have helped Kathy and I go from destructive to constructive fights. To be honest, the key for both of us has been our relationship with Christ. I couldn’t have changed by my own strength. It’s been his power, his grace, and his forgiveness in our lives that has given us the fuel to face our shortcomings, change and become more of who God intended us to be.

Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Ephesians. 4:31

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy. Hebrews 12:14

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic

30/30: Marriage. Disappointment. God.

“I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It’s foolish to expect from one another that which only Jesus Christ can be…always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a marriage under an impossible strain.” Ruth Graham

I’ve found a lot of marital conflict and disappointment comes when we look to our spouse to meet needs that only God himself can meet. I’ve been guilty of expecting a lot of things from Kathy that could only be met by Christ. When you start looking to your spouse to meet needs that God Himself has said that He is responsible to meet, you’re making that person into god and you’re setting yourself up for massive dose of disappointment and bitterness. Nobody can meet all your needs. Instead of expecting your mate to meet all your needs, God wants you to look to Him.

“Weapons of Mass Destruction” that Will Destroy Your Marriage

In modern warfare, countries agree not to use certain weapons: Nuclear weapons, Chemical Weapons, Biological Weapons…Weapons of Mass Destruction. Even though we’re fighting a war, we will agree that some weapons are too deadly, too devastating to be used in the fight. Even though we are in the heat of battle, will agree that certain weapons if used will destroy BOTH sides. In your marriage, you need to do the same thing. If you want your marriage to go the distance, some words need to be completely eliminated form your vocabulary.

1. Atomic Lies: “You always… You never…” We lie when we use the phrase “always” and “never.” Those statements are meant to destroy the person and are just not true. It’s hitting below the belt, you can find at least one example where they didn’t act that way.

2. Cold War (Silent Contempt). In my house growing up, when we were mad, we yelled. When we were real mad. we threw stuff. When we were pissed, we gave them the silent treatment. Rolling your eyes and saying nothing shows disrespect and is destroying the foundation of your marriage.

3. Character Assassination. Sniping with sarcasm, belittling, insults, getting historical (listing everything they have ever done wrong) or gossiping are completely destructive. They will not just take out your spouse, but will destroy your marriage.

4. Divorce Missiles. Threatening to divorce your spouse is a nuclear explosion and fallout will be seen for years.

Today you need to resolve to commit your words to Jesus Christ. “It doesn’t matter how angry we get at each other. We are going to fight fair. Words are powerful and words can be hurtful. We have made some mistakes in the past, but let’s make this stuff out-of-bounds from now on. It’s hurting us too bad. It’s killing us too much. We will agree to eliminate weapons of mass destruction.”

A fool gives full vent to anger, but a wise person quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11

“CONFLICT” SERIES CONTINUES @ EPIC

What Facebook & Twitter Have Taught Me

One year ago today I joined Facebook (Thank you Stephen Zehnder). And about six months later, I started on Twitter. I’ve learned so far:

1. The World is Small. I’ve connected with some great people who I never would have met before. I’ve caught up with old friends that I haven’t seen in years. The kids have connected with friends in China and amazingly I’ve grown closer with people who live next store.

2. Concise Writing. As someone who’s a creative thinker and spiritual writer, it’s forced me to organize my thoughts into smaller soundbites. 140 characters is tough, but it a great discipline in choosing your words carefully.

3. Personal Growth. TweetDeck moved Christian leaders and thinkers from podcast and conferences, to right in front of me. Their new insights and new learnings have become my new learnings, and it’s forced me to be more authentic with my life and faith journey.

4. To Break Down Walls. In America, we tend to stay in our little cliques of people who believe the same thing we believe and think the same way we think. I’m more interested in meeting people who are different from me. The diversity of ideas and thinking is amazing and forces me to rethink old positions and discover new directions.

5. Community. In ministry, my goal is to inspire others where ever they at in their spiritual journey, from not even interested in anything spiritual to connected in a church. The conversations are awesome. With my community at Epic, it’s helped build deeper relationships, keep everyone informed about events and spur one another on.

6. Laughter. People are funny and say some hilarious stuff. SERIOUSLY. You make me laugh!

Soundtrack for CONFLICT Series

Some songs I’m listening to and inspired by as I write for the upcoming series on relational conflict.

BETA Version: I’ve been playing around with this tonight. It’s cool. I always wanted to put music on the blog, but I need to figure out how to upload this so it doesn’t shut off when I switch screens. I’ll keep working.

30/30: Kathy and I. Conflict. Arby’s.

Kathy and I have had some major conflicts in our 18 years of marriage. One of the best was a few years ago on vacation at Hocking Hills in SE Ohio. The kids in the backseat witnessed an epic event that is often recalled and revisited today when we go out to dinner.

We were driving to dinner and an Outdoor Theater Production in a city about 45 minutes away from our campground. On the way we drove through a quaint small town which just so happened to be celebrating their Summer Fair. You know the kind where the downtown is closed and it’s transformed with rides, BBQs, elephant ears and whole lot of small town charm. “This is cool! Let’s stop here for dinner. The kids will have fun!.” We’ve got a few hours before the play, so I pull in to enjoy a little unexpected fun on our journey.

As I get out of the car, Kathy speaks up, “I was REALLY looking forward to having dinner at the drama.” (There was a special dinner before the performance with the actors in the production. Did I forget to mention we had planned on going there for dinner?).“Yeah, THAT was a good idea, but this is SO much better,” I chime back.

Better to me, not better to her. You can see where this is going.

The argument ensues which is followed with a huff from me, “Alright, let’s go. Mom wants to eat at the theater.” Three miles down the road the argument escalates to the point where we pull over to the side of road. A lot of sarcastic “I dont’ freakn care. I’ll do what YOU freakn want!” comments ensue and in huff Kathy gets out of the car and starts walking back to town. I turn the car around and drive along yelling from the window, “Get back in the car!”

After about a 100 yards, a whole lot of screaming from me and crying from the kids, Kathy gets back in the car. The conflict continues, but this time we yell at each other with the loudest form of anger…SILENCE. After 30 minutes of tension you could cut with a knife, we get to our destination. Kathy has now lost her appetite for dinner at the theater, but with three hungry kids in the car I pull into Arby’s. The family piles out of the car, but not me. I’m still stewing. While they enjoyed a thinly sliced roast beef, I sat in the car sulking in thinly sliced anger and resentment.

The story is funny now and we all laugh about that infamous day. At times now when we are going out to eat, the kids will say “Hey dad! Want to go to Arby’s for dinner? You can sit in the car.”

“Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you.” James 4:1

CONFLICT Series begins @ Epic November 15

CONFLICT Goals

I sat down this morning to do some broad brush strokes on the next series CONFLICT. I set three goals:

1. To write all three messages this week (never done that before)
2. To face the truth about myself and my conflicts
3. To make the primary goal to be better at resolving conflict in my marriage

Take the QUIZ: Boring Life Indicator

Take the Boring Life Indicator QUIZ: (check all that apply)

___If your plans for this weekend, look like your plans for last weekend.

___If you talk about characters on TV like they are a friend of yours.

___If most of your conversations are about work or the kids.

___If the best stories from your life where when you were drunk.

___If your conversations are often about something on a screen (ballgame, TV show, News, Facebook, etc).

___If your best stories as a Christian, were from more than a year ago.

___If your Monday looks like your Tuesday, which looks like your Wednesday…

___If you schedule your life around something on TV.

___If joining a small group is the most daring thing you’ve done as a Christian.

Christ said “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10). Often times we settle for a bunch of stuff that is not necessarily bad, but is far short of the adventurous life that Jesus is calling us to live. Christ invites us to follow him and life an original life that only we can life. He has uniquely gifted you, given you a unique personality and is personally calling you to impact this world. Could it be your life your life could be more than your living now? Could it be that God is a unique role that only you can play in this world?

Don’t Miss Living the Adventure!
This Sunday, Nov. 8 @ Epic … On Your Mark