There were three major things Kathy and I learned to begin to resolve conflict right in our marriage. Our old conflict resolution patterns were destructive and leading us toward divorce. If we were going to learn to speaking the truth in love we needed to do three things:
1. Getting Honest With Yourself
Speaking the truth without love doesn’t work. I would act like a belt sander saying things in an abrasive way. Verbal jabs, sarcasm, powering up, slander, self-righteousness became my natural response. My words would leave sand paper scars on Kathy. The hard truth is people who speak the truth without love often end up with revolving door relationships because they abrasively push people away.
Being loving without speaking the truth doesn’t work. Kathy would act like a broom and sweep the problem under the rug. Cowardice, avoiding, ignoring, TipToe around conflict, enabling became her norm. The hard truth is people who love without speaking the truth often end up with shallow relationships because they’re afraid of the conflict that will result from being honest.
2. Stop Focusing on Changing Them
David starts Psalm 139 by focusing on what everyone else is doing wrong, but by the end he courageously looks at what he needs to do to change. He prays a high risk prayer, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-4 The truth is it’s a lot easier to deal with other people than it is to get on my knees, and say, “God Deal with Me! Expose the dark parts about my heart that are not fully yielded to you. Acting as a Belt Sander or a Broom isn’t just hurting my spouse, it’s hurting me and most of all it’s offending You, God. Bring all that junk into the light. Expose it to your power and your grace so it can be changed by you.” We’ll never resolve conflict right until we get serious and ask God to deal with me!
3. Get Serious about Allowing Christ to Change You
BELT SANDERS: If your tendency is to “speak the truth, the next step is to listen love and affirm your spouse. You may be a black belt in speaking the truth, but you’re a white belt in love. Respond slowly, stop talking and start listening. When I’m abrasive, I’m hurting deeply the one I love the most. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs” Ephesians 4:29. Did my word this week build up or tear down? Did I speak gently and tactfully? What can I do AND say this week to affirm to let them know I deeply love and care for them?
BROOMS: If your tendency is to “be loving,” the next step is to risk their rejection and speak up. You believe that if you speak up, you’ll make it worse. Keeping quiet isn’t helping; it’s hurting. Proverbs 10:10 says “Someone who holds back the truth will cause trouble. But the one who openly confronts works for peace.” Tell yourself conflict is not bad. It’s not a crisis, but an opportunity for growth. Where am I holding back? What do I need to say? The only way to deepen intimacy in a relationship is through conflict. Speaking up will strengthen the relationship.
“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic
Kathy and I have had some major conflicts in our 18 years of marriage. One of the best was a few years ago on vacation at Hocking Hills in SE Ohio. The kids in the backseat witnessed an epic event that is often recalled and revisited today when we go out to dinner.
Christ said “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10). Often times we settle for a bunch of stuff that is not necessarily bad, but is far short of the adventurous life that Jesus is calling us to live. Christ invites us to follow him and life an original life that only we can life. He has uniquely gifted you, given you a unique personality and is personally calling you to impact this world. Could it be your life your life could be more than your living now? Could it be that God is a unique role that only you can play in this world?
With all the financial uncertainty in the air, most of us are saying how do we find peace when everything is chaos? Where do we turn next? How are we supposed to think about cash? There are answers and there is hope. Join us at Epic Church as we talk about the most controversial subject in most of our lives – money.
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