Speaking the Truth in Love (Part 1)

In our first two years of marriage, Kathy and I didn’t handle conflict well. It was horrendous. Any time a disagreement would come up, I would attack and she would retreat. I would blow up and she would clam up.

After a couple of marriage retreats, we came to learn the truth about why we acted the way we did.

In my house growing up, we would yell. When we were irritated, we would raise our voices and tell each other what was on our mind. When we were mad, we would throw stuff. When we were really pissed, we would say nothing. In Kathy’s house growing up, they handled disagreements completely different. Actually they wouldn’t argue at all. It was peace at all cost. If they were irritated, they said absolutely nothing. When they were mad, they would sweep it under the rug. When they were really pissed, they would write a letter.

When I would raise my voice and tell Kathy what I was thinking, she would think, “This guy is completely out of control. Maybe it will blow over, so I’m saying nothing,” What did silence mean in my house? Anger, so I would in turn blow another gasket…then she would get more quiet. We were a divorce just to waiting to happen.

Which way was right?

1. Speak the Truth: It doesn’t matter who you hurt. This resulted in verbal shrapnel all over the place.

2. Be Loving and Say Nothing. Sweep everything under the rug. This resulted in a lumpy carpet of unresolved issues, which we both would trip on.

Neither. Both are wrong. Both don’t work.

I was good at speaking the truth. She was good at loving. What we needed was to learn to do what Paul said in Ephesians 4:15 “Instead, WE WILL SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” We needed to learn to speak the truth in love.

And the journey of learning a whole new way of resolving conflict began…

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic

Marriage: Ground Rules for Fighting Fair

Everyone fights, but most couples don’t get it right. Many people never sit down to establish ground rules as husband and wife for handling disagreements. Here’s six that have helped Kathy and I in our eighteen years of marriage.

1. Choose the Right Place and the Right Time. Set up a time when you both are not tired or hungry. Have some watch the kids. Sit down face to face/eye to eye/knee to knee. Hold hands, pray and ask God to give you wisdom to discuss this peacefully.

2. Focus on the Issue, Not Winning. Learn how to attack the issues without attacking each other. You are both on the same team working together on a solution to the problem.

3. Allow One Person to Speak at a Time. Don’t’ talk over. Don’t talk down. Come ready to listen to their side and ready to figure out next step.

4. Try to Understand Their Underlying Hurt, Fear, Frustration. The underlying emotions in any disagreement are fear, hurt and frustration. Understand yourself. Understand them. Ask questions, listen to what’s beneath the conflict and try to see the pain from their perspective.

5. Confess My Part of the Conflict. Even if you are only 1% wrong and 99% right, apologize and confess your part. “I’m sorry for overreacting.” “I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel.” “I’m sorry for hurting you.” Be the first person to say, “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me…”

6. Commit to Forgive Each Other. Forgiveness is the foundation of every relationship and marriage is a commitment to daily forgiveness. Don’t say, “It’s no big deal”…Say “I forgive you for…” and move forward.

These six steps weren’t easy for us to learn and we don’t always have it all together, but they have helped Kathy and I go from destructive to constructive fights. To be honest, the key for both of us has been our relationship with Christ. I couldn’t have changed by my own strength. It’s been his power, his grace, and his forgiveness in our lives that has given us the fuel to face our shortcomings, change and become more of who God intended us to be.

Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Ephesians. 4:31

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy. Hebrews 12:14

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic

30/30: Marriage. Disappointment. God.

“I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It’s foolish to expect from one another that which only Jesus Christ can be…always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a marriage under an impossible strain.” Ruth Graham

I’ve found a lot of marital conflict and disappointment comes when we look to our spouse to meet needs that only God himself can meet. I’ve been guilty of expecting a lot of things from Kathy that could only be met by Christ. When you start looking to your spouse to meet needs that God Himself has said that He is responsible to meet, you’re making that person into god and you’re setting yourself up for massive dose of disappointment and bitterness. Nobody can meet all your needs. Instead of expecting your mate to meet all your needs, God wants you to look to Him.

“Weapons of Mass Destruction” that Will Destroy Your Marriage

In modern warfare, countries agree not to use certain weapons: Nuclear weapons, Chemical Weapons, Biological Weapons…Weapons of Mass Destruction. Even though we’re fighting a war, we will agree that some weapons are too deadly, too devastating to be used in the fight. Even though we are in the heat of battle, will agree that certain weapons if used will destroy BOTH sides. In your marriage, you need to do the same thing. If you want your marriage to go the distance, some words need to be completely eliminated form your vocabulary.

1. Atomic Lies: “You always… You never…” We lie when we use the phrase “always” and “never.” Those statements are meant to destroy the person and are just not true. It’s hitting below the belt, you can find at least one example where they didn’t act that way.

2. Cold War (Silent Contempt). In my house growing up, when we were mad, we yelled. When we were real mad. we threw stuff. When we were pissed, we gave them the silent treatment. Rolling your eyes and saying nothing shows disrespect and is destroying the foundation of your marriage.

3. Character Assassination. Sniping with sarcasm, belittling, insults, getting historical (listing everything they have ever done wrong) or gossiping are completely destructive. They will not just take out your spouse, but will destroy your marriage.

4. Divorce Missiles. Threatening to divorce your spouse is a nuclear explosion and fallout will be seen for years.

Today you need to resolve to commit your words to Jesus Christ. “It doesn’t matter how angry we get at each other. We are going to fight fair. Words are powerful and words can be hurtful. We have made some mistakes in the past, but let’s make this stuff out-of-bounds from now on. It’s hurting us too bad. It’s killing us too much. We will agree to eliminate weapons of mass destruction.”

A fool gives full vent to anger, but a wise person quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11

“CONFLICT” SERIES CONTINUES @ EPIC

New Series @ Epic: CONFLICT

PEOPLE FIGHT, SO GET IT RIGHT

Conflict is inevitable in relationships. Its how you handle it that makes all the difference in the world. God has given practical insight on how to be honest about our feelings, resolve differences constructively and experience real forgiveness.

Join us at Epic Church in November for Conflict, a series that can radically improve your current relationships and help restore broken ones.

Nov. 15 Fighting Fair
Nov. 22 Speaking the Truth in Love
Nov. 29 Forgive and Live

30/30: This Economy Makes a Strong Man Weak

In the last eight months of ministry, I have talked to more people who are depressed, down, discouraged and defeated than the prior three years put together.

This economy makes a strong man weak.

Years ago when I would hear men say, “My primary role is to provide for my family,” I would challenge them to think again. They were missing it. More than your income, your wife and your kids need your leadership. They need you.

Never is that more true, but it was easier to say then. A few years ago, providing for the family was a given. It was normal. Now everything has changed.

I know so many men and women who are struggling just to find employment. They feel like they’ve punched in the gut. And the body blows are enough to bring us to our knees.

It’s hard to admit, but the truth is “Sometimes, we can’t make it on our own.”

It’s hard to admit, but the truth is “You don’t have to go it alone.”

I think U2 said it well…

Who do you need to depend on this week? Maybe it’s a friend. Maybe it’s your spouse. Is carrying it by yourself really getting you anywhere? It’s okay to need other people. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

And it’s okay to need God. Actually, Jesus extends this invitation…“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 Because sometimes you can’t make it on your own.

Lust: 5 Questions Every Man Needs to Ask

One of the biggest temptations that takes out a man of God is…lust. Often times when it comes to sexual temptation, we say that it’s “no big deal” or “I can handle this.” But if we are going to get the finish line of our faith and stay faithful to our spouse, we need to a make a commitment like Job. “ I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.” Job 31:1. We need to get serious about developing a sexual strategy to stay faithful. So stop being a wuss and man up!

Am I Man Enough to…

1. Geographically avoid the wrong environments? Am I willing to avoid those areas that I struggle? Strip clubs, late night on the computer, etc.

2. Relationally avoid being alone with someone of the opposite sex? Am I willing to put boundries up like “no” traveling or lunches alone with somene of the opposite sex?

3. Emotionally have my needs met by no one other than my spouse? Most affairs start with an emotional connection, not a physically connection. Am I willing to only talk about personal marriage issues with my spouse?

4. Technologically put to filter on my computer?

5. Be Accountable to be asked the tough questions? Men we can’t be who God has called us to be alone. Am I willing to develop close friendships with other men who will consistently ask me “How are you doing with God? How’s your thought life? How’s your marriage?”

When the stats are as high as 50% of married men and 43% of married women will end up having an affair, we need to pull out all of the stops to be intentional about sexual purity.

Should Wives Be Porn Police?

In preparing for “The Man Series” I’ve been reading a number of articles to prepare talks on Sex, Money and Power. This article by a Jewish Rabbi gave a fresh, honest and straightforward perspective. I think it gets to the root issue of sex, fulfillment and marriage for both men and women that is wildly missing in todays dialogue….

SHOULD WIVES BE PORN POLICE?

Why women have every right to insist on mental as well as physical fidelity. By Rabbi Boteach

About two years ago I agreed to debate the first openly Jewish Playboy playmate, Lindsey ****, in New York City. My purpose was simple: to uphold the dignity of Jewish women, which is not consistent with taking their clothes off for money. From the beginning, however, it was clear that I had lost the debate. The room was filled with mostly leering men who came armed with the November issue of Playboy, asking for Lindsey’s autograph. But what really disappointed me was all the women who came to cheer Lindsey’s courage in not being ashamed of her body. What sane woman, who isn’t motivated by financial profit, would support the portrayal of women as sport to entertain lecherous men?

Moreover, what wife is misguided enough to allow her husband to read Playboy?

Recently, we’ve seen the Kobe Bryant sex scandal and the publication of Hillary Clinton’s memoir, which regurgitated the Monica Lewinsky story. I believe that these and other incidents are warnings to wives not to be naïve about the dangerous effects pornography-and opportunities for adultery-can have on a marriage. And they must do something about it. While Hillary bore her husband’s betrayal with dignity, there is the legitimate question of whether she should have been keeping a far more watchful eye on her husband whose roving ways were well known, especially when he told her that he was spending time with an intern for the purpose of “guiding her life.” Shouldn’t an alarm have gone off in her head?

30/30: 10 Stitches. Wounds. Infallible God.

As a kid, we loved to ride our bikes up to the park and play baseball. One hot summer day shaped the way I would ride my bike for the rest of my life. As normal, I was heading full steam across the ball diamond directly for backstop. As I crossed home plate I slammed on the brakes to do a sliding sideways stop. But this time something went wrong. The pedal got stuck somewhere in the middle and the brakes didn’t engage. Nowhere to go, except straight into the backstop. I flew up and when I came down, I ripped the skin on my knee wide open. I know this for a fact there is something VERY CREEPY about seeing your own white bone without beauty of your skin over it. Fortunately, it didn’t stay creepy for long. Within a second my knee was covered with blood.

Ten stitches later, life returned to a normal or so I thought. But something changed inside me. I was different. I would now always check my brakes before approaching a dead stop. I noticed I now didn’t pedal at the same breakneck speeds. I found myself holding back instead of going all out.

Life has a way of doing the same thing to us. All of us at some point all of us will experience life scars. Sometimes it’s a circumstance or disappointment that cuts us deep. Sometimes it’s a wound caused by words someone else said to us. Sometimes it’s the hurt of what someone did to us. Sometimes it’s a pain caused by our own sin. Often the biggest scars come from those that we love or loved the most…a parent, a spouse, an ex, or a friend.

What we often do is cover up those scars and pretend what happened doesn’t effect us now. But we know that’s not true. We secretly decide to put on the breaks and not trust people at the level we did before. We put up walls, so we will not experience the pain of being let down again. We don’t want to be creeped out by the bone, so we slow down and love only at ½ speed.

Lately, I’m discovering is that Jesus is infallible. Not only does He never make mistakes, but he is incapable of making a mistake. Others may fail us, but He will never fail us. Others may let us down, but He will never let us down. When I’m face to face with his infallibility, I realize just how fallible I am. He is so different than me. I want to hide the stitches, but He wants to uncover the wounds. Why? So he can heal and restore me.

“Nothing is beyond his redemption. Nothing is beyond his restoration. Nothing is beyond his healing power. Not the bruises. Not the scars. Not the pain… If God were wrong some of the time, I would trust him enough to obey him…. but God is wildly infallible-in every way. ” (Margaret Feinberg, the organic God. p.106)

Because we walk with a God who is wildly infallible, I can begin to lower our protective behavior and begin to love others at full speed again. Yes, people will let me down. Yes, I will even let myself down. But I the Infallible God will never let me down.

Why Some Men Don’t Like Church

This is a great article “Why Some Men Don’t Like Church.” David Coughlin nails 10 great reasons why men struggle with church. I believe that in many ways, the church is to blame.

1. Men are told over and over to be innocent as doves, but are not shown or encouraged to be wise as serpents.

2. We preach from the NGB: Nice Guy Bible (Retail Price: Your Soul). We emphasize the sweet stuff and let the tougher stuff go right on by.

3. We contend that the ideal Christian man is unemotional and if married, sacrifices everything for his wife.

4. Men have been told to avoid anger at all costs, which isn’t what the Bible says.

5. We promote a dangerous caricature of “gentle Jesus meek and mild,” …This caricature has encouraged Christian men to be nice to a fault, damaging their lives and those who are under their timid care.

6. Men, compared to women, are a problem to be fixed instead of a gender to be appreciated at church.

7. The church and Christian radio have failed to support a married man’s need for regular sexual intimacy with his wife, which is an insult and a betrayal. We are men, not eunuchs.

8. Christian men are unintentionally encouraged to become the plaything of other men in a misguided attempt to bolster their “Christian witness.”…Bold men are both rare and not really welcomed at church.

9. We unintentionally create spiritual veal: overprotected children who are taught to embrace false humility and false meekness

10. Worship music is often too sentimental for guy tastes.

When it comes to the issue so sex, Coughlin makes this wildly insightful observation. “After the sermon I talked with another married guy, a former missionary who told me that his wife leaned over to him and asked during the homily, “Are you attracted to other women?” He bravely answered, “I find other women attractive when I’m not sexually satisfied at home.” These may be tough words to hear, but they are true for many men. To pretend like they are not is to deny reality and the real heart and struggle of many men. We ignore them at the expense of healthy families.”

Couglin offers what should have been added to the Biblical message. “Now ladies, I want to help you as well. As we both know, your husband’s sexual desires don’t exist in a vacuum. They are tied to you as well. You can help your husband in his battle for sexual purity by doing what you can to become the object of his sexual desires