I was youtubing for the David Crowder Version of “How He Loves Us” and came across the Jesus Culture version. SIMPLY, SIMPLY AMAZING!

When the angels appeared to the shepherds 2000 years ago to announce Christ’s birth, they said “I bring you good news that will bring great JOY to ALL people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem.” God extends an invitation of joy to everyone, but why don’t most people, even those who are Christ followers, experience that kind of joy. I’ve found that there are 7 ways that I short-circuit the joy Christ wants to give me.

You Got 2 Choices (one leads to more frustration, one leads to more joy)

1. Live in your circumstances…or live in Christ
2. Live in fear…or live in freedom
3. Be in control…or let God be in control
4. Complain about things…or be a people builder
5. Assume the worst in people…or believe the best in people
6. Live to have your needs met…or live to meet the needs of others
7. Focus on receiving…or focus on giving

“I will go to God…the Source of ALL my joy.” Psalm 43:4

”Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal” Proverbs 12:18

Marriage conflict is normal, but it doesn’t have to be nasty. Most of us have patterns of speaking to our spouse that not only hurt the marriage, but create lasting wounds in our spouse. Kathy and I have found these six steps gave us wise guidelines to speak honestly and address issues in a way that would strengthen our marriage.

1. Define the Issue Clearly. Do you ever get into a fight and are not sure what the argument is about? If you are upset at your sex life, don’t complain about how they spend money. Clearly define the issue that you need to work on together.

2. State Your Feelings Directly: “In Situation X, When you do Y, I feel Z.” Instead of attacking each other by using “you …” statements, use this technique to express how their actions are affecting you. “Last Saturday, when you spent the whole day out with the guys, I felt unappreciated and unloved.” “ Last night, when you snapped at me when I walked in the door, I felt disrepected by you.” This formula takes time to learn, but will help you address issues without destroying each other in the process.

3.Reflect Back: “In situation X, when I do Y, It makes you feel Z.” Ninety-eight percent of good communication is listening. The point of reflective listening is to let your partner know that you have heard what they said and you understand where they are coming from.

4. Rate the Intensity of Your Feelings. Instead of using voice volume to tell them how intense your feelings are, rate how important (or unimportant) this issue is to you on a scale of 1-10.

5. Apologize: “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me for Y.” The most powerful words in the English language are “I’m sorry.” Swallowing your pride has the ability to change the climate of the room. Confess BOTH your part of the issue and your reaction to the issue. “I’m sorry that I blew up/overreacted/said nothing/etc.”

6. Forgive: “I forgive you for Y.” Don’t say “whatever or no big deal.” If it was a big deal to bring up, it’s a big deal to say “I forgive you.” Sit down face to face. Look your spouse in the eyes and say “I forgive you for Y”

In 18 years of marriage, Kathy and I are still growing in our relationship, but these six steps were critically helpful to improving our conflict resolution.

ADDITIONAL CONFLICT POSTS:

Speaking the Truth in Love (Part 1)

Speaking the Truth in Love (Part 2)

Ground Rules for Fighting Fair

Kathy & I. Conflict. Arbys.

Here’s the video from today’s message from Dr. S.M. Lockridge

Regardless of your background, religion, problems, or circumstances, Christmas really is the best news you could get. You’re invited to our biggest party of the year. We couldn’t fit it all into one week, so join us in December for an Epic Christmas Party.

A Divine Invitation … Dec 6

An Invitation to Joy … Dec 13

An Invitation to Peace … Dec 20

Christmas Eve … Dec 24, 4PM

The After Party … Dec 27

Advent: N. The coming or arrival, especially of something awaited or momentous.

As we gear up for Christmas at Epic, we’re reading through Gospel of Luke. All month, we look forward with hope, excitement and expectation of both Christ’s coming 2000 years ago and Christ coming to personally lead us today.

Scripture Readings:

• Week 1 (Nov 30-Dec 4) Luke 1-5
• Week 2 (Dec 7-11) Luke 6-10
• Week 3 (Dec 14-18) Luke 11-15
• Week 4 (Dec. 21-25) Luke 16-20

Allow the readings to lead you to:

1. Worship Fully. Because Christmas begins and ends with Jesus.

2. Spend Less and free your resources for things that truly matter.

3. Give More of your presence, your hands your words, your time and your heart to others.

4. Love All the poor, the forgotten, the marginalized, and the sick in ways that make a difference.

One of my professors had this saying he would repeat over and over every time he talked about marriage, “The glue that holds a marriage together is forgiveness.” I think my old professor’s wisdom holds true in everyday relationships. We all have had people do things and say things that hurt us. On the flip side, we all have done things that cause hurt and pain in the lives of someone else. The glue that holds relationships together is forgiveness.

But what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is not forgetting. Because no matter how hard you try to forget something, you can’t make your mind forget it. Forgiveness is not ignoring it and sweeping it under the rug. All that will do is create relationship landmines that will leave everyone walking on eggshells. Forgiveness means you acknowledge the hurt and pain the person caused you, but you choose to let it go and not hold it against them anymore. Forgiveness means you make the choice to forgive them and never bring it up again. You may think that they don’t deserve to be forgiven. You’re right, they don’t…that’s why it’s called forgiveness.

“Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember the Lord forgave you. So you must forgive others just as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3: 13).

There were three major things Kathy and I learned to begin to resolve conflict right in our marriage. Our old conflict resolution patterns were destructive and leading us toward divorce. If we were going to learn to speaking the truth in love we needed to do three things:

1. Getting Honest With Yourself

Speaking the truth without love doesn’t work. I would act like a belt sander saying things in an abrasive way. Verbal jabs, sarcasm, powering up, slander, self-righteousness became my natural response. My words would leave sand paper scars on Kathy. The hard truth is people who speak the truth without love often end up with revolving door relationships because they abrasively push people away.

Being loving without speaking the truth doesn’t work. Kathy would act like a broom and sweep the problem under the rug. Cowardice, avoiding, ignoring, TipToe around conflict, enabling became her norm. The hard truth is people who love without speaking the truth often end up with shallow relationships because they’re afraid of the conflict that will result from being honest.

2. Stop Focusing on Changing Them

David starts Psalm 139 by focusing on what everyone else is doing wrong, but by the end he courageously looks at what he needs to do to change. He prays a high risk prayer, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-4 The truth is it’s a lot easier to deal with other people than it is to get on my knees, and say, “God Deal with Me! Expose the dark parts about my heart that are not fully yielded to you. Acting as a Belt Sander or a Broom isn’t just hurting my spouse, it’s hurting me and most of all it’s offending You, God. Bring all that junk into the light. Expose it to your power and your grace so it can be changed by you.” We’ll never resolve conflict right until we get serious and ask God to deal with me!

3. Get Serious about Allowing Christ to Change You

BELT SANDERS: If your tendency is to “speak the truth, the next step is to listen love and affirm your spouse. You may be a black belt in speaking the truth, but you’re a white belt in love. Respond slowly, stop talking and start listening. When I’m abrasive, I’m hurting deeply the one I love the most. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs” Ephesians 4:29. Did my word this week build up or tear down? Did I speak gently and tactfully? What can I do AND say this week to affirm to let them know I deeply love and care for them?

BROOMS: If your tendency is to “be loving,” the next step is to risk their rejection and speak up. You believe that if you speak up, you’ll make it worse. Keeping quiet isn’t helping; it’s hurting. Proverbs 10:10 says “Someone who holds back the truth will cause trouble. But the one who openly confronts works for peace.” Tell yourself conflict is not bad. It’s not a crisis, but an opportunity for growth. Where am I holding back? What do I need to say? The only way to deepen intimacy in a relationship is through conflict. Speaking up will strengthen the relationship.

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic

In our first two years of marriage, Kathy and I didn’t handle conflict well. It was horrendous. Any time a disagreement would come up, I would attack and she would retreat. I would blow up and she would clam up.

After a couple of marriage retreats, we came to learn the truth about why we acted the way we did.

In my house growing up, we would yell. When we were irritated, we would raise our voices and tell each other what was on our mind. When we were mad, we would throw stuff. When we were really pissed, we would say nothing. In Kathy’s house growing up, they handled disagreements completely different. Actually they wouldn’t argue at all. It was peace at all cost. If they were irritated, they said absolutely nothing. When they were mad, they would sweep it under the rug. When they were really pissed, they would write a letter.

When I would raise my voice and tell Kathy what I was thinking, she would think, “This guy is completely out of control. Maybe it will blow over, so I’m saying nothing,” What did silence mean in my house? Anger, so I would in turn blow another gasket…then she would get more quiet. We were a divorce just to waiting to happen.

Which way was right?

1. Speak the Truth: It doesn’t matter who you hurt. This resulted in verbal shrapnel all over the place.

2. Be Loving and Say Nothing. Sweep everything under the rug. This resulted in a lumpy carpet of unresolved issues, which we both would trip on.

Neither. Both are wrong. Both don’t work.

I was good at speaking the truth. She was good at loving. What we needed was to learn to do what Paul said in Ephesians 4:15 “Instead, WE WILL SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” We needed to learn to speak the truth in love.

And the journey of learning a whole new way of resolving conflict began…

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic

Everyone fights, but most couples don’t get it right. Many people never sit down to establish ground rules as husband and wife for handling disagreements. Here’s six that have helped Kathy and I in our eighteen years of marriage.

1. Choose the Right Place and the Right Time. Set up a time when you both are not tired or hungry. Have some watch the kids. Sit down face to face/eye to eye/knee to knee. Hold hands, pray and ask God to give you wisdom to discuss this peacefully.

2. Focus on the Issue, Not Winning. Learn how to attack the issues without attacking each other. You are both on the same team working together on a solution to the problem.

3. Allow One Person to Speak at a Time. Don’t’ talk over. Don’t talk down. Come ready to listen to their side and ready to figure out next step.

4. Try to Understand Their Underlying Hurt, Fear, Frustration. The underlying emotions in any disagreement are fear, hurt and frustration. Understand yourself. Understand them. Ask questions, listen to what’s beneath the conflict and try to see the pain from their perspective.

5. Confess My Part of the Conflict. Even if you are only 1% wrong and 99% right, apologize and confess your part. “I’m sorry for overreacting.” “I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel.” “I’m sorry for hurting you.” Be the first person to say, “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me…”

6. Commit to Forgive Each Other. Forgiveness is the foundation of every relationship and marriage is a commitment to daily forgiveness. Don’t say, “It’s no big deal”…Say “I forgive you for…” and move forward.

These six steps weren’t easy for us to learn and we don’t always have it all together, but they have helped Kathy and I go from destructive to constructive fights. To be honest, the key for both of us has been our relationship with Christ. I couldn’t have changed by my own strength. It’s been his power, his grace, and his forgiveness in our lives that has given us the fuel to face our shortcomings, change and become more of who God intended us to be.

Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Ephesians. 4:31

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy. Hebrews 12:14

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic