BUSTED: Relationship Myths

Last week Epic continued the MythBusters Series and busted five bigtime relationships myths. Of all the weeks of this series, these myths make people miserable more than any other. They sound so good, but leave us longing for something that doesn’t exist and often ruin our relationships in the process.

1. People are basically good.

2. You need to find “THE ONE.“

3. Staying ‘in love’ is the key to a great relationship.

4. You can’t love others unless you love yourself.

5. Your happiness is the most important thing in your life.

This Sunday…Busting Some Science Myths!

Six Steps to Handle Marriage Conflict

”Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal” Proverbs 12:18

Marriage conflict is normal, but it doesn’t have to be nasty. Most of us have patterns of speaking to our spouse that not only hurt the marriage, but create lasting wounds in our spouse. Kathy and I have found these six steps gave us wise guidelines to speak honestly and address issues in a way that would strengthen our marriage.

1. Define the Issue Clearly. Do you ever get into a fight and are not sure what the argument is about? If you are upset at your sex life, don’t complain about how they spend money. Clearly define the issue that you need to work on together.

2. State Your Feelings Directly: “In Situation X, When you do Y, I feel Z.” Instead of attacking each other by using “you …” statements, use this technique to express how their actions are affecting you. “Last Saturday, when you spent the whole day out with the guys, I felt unappreciated and unloved.” “ Last night, when you snapped at me when I walked in the door, I felt disrepected by you.” This formula takes time to learn, but will help you address issues without destroying each other in the process.

3.Reflect Back: “In situation X, when I do Y, It makes you feel Z.” Ninety-eight percent of good communication is listening. The point of reflective listening is to let your partner know that you have heard what they said and you understand where they are coming from.

4. Rate the Intensity of Your Feelings. Instead of using voice volume to tell them how intense your feelings are, rate how important (or unimportant) this issue is to you on a scale of 1-10.

5. Apologize: “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me for Y.” The most powerful words in the English language are “I’m sorry.” Swallowing your pride has the ability to change the climate of the room. Confess BOTH your part of the issue and your reaction to the issue. “I’m sorry that I blew up/overreacted/said nothing/etc.”

6. Forgive: “I forgive you for Y.” Don’t say “whatever or no big deal.” If it was a big deal to bring up, it’s a big deal to say “I forgive you.” Sit down face to face. Look your spouse in the eyes and say “I forgive you for Y”

In 18 years of marriage, Kathy and I are still growing in our relationship, but these six steps were critically helpful to improving our conflict resolution.

ADDITIONAL CONFLICT POSTS:

Speaking the Truth in Love (Part 1)

Speaking the Truth in Love (Part 2)

Ground Rules for Fighting Fair

Kathy & I. Conflict. Arbys.

Marriage Glue is Forgiveness

One of my professors had this saying he would repeat over and over every time he talked about marriage, “The glue that holds a marriage together is forgiveness.” I think my old professor’s wisdom holds true in everyday relationships. We all have had people do things and say things that hurt us. On the flip side, we all have done things that cause hurt and pain in the lives of someone else. The glue that holds relationships together is forgiveness.

But what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is not forgetting. Because no matter how hard you try to forget something, you can’t make your mind forget it. Forgiveness is not ignoring it and sweeping it under the rug. All that will do is create relationship landmines that will leave everyone walking on eggshells. Forgiveness means you acknowledge the hurt and pain the person caused you, but you choose to let it go and not hold it against them anymore. Forgiveness means you make the choice to forgive them and never bring it up again. You may think that they don’t deserve to be forgiven. You’re right, they don’t…that’s why it’s called forgiveness.

“Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember the Lord forgave you. So you must forgive others just as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3: 13).

Speaking the Truth in Love (Part 1)

In our first two years of marriage, Kathy and I didn’t handle conflict well. It was horrendous. Any time a disagreement would come up, I would attack and she would retreat. I would blow up and she would clam up.

After a couple of marriage retreats, we came to learn the truth about why we acted the way we did.

In my house growing up, we would yell. When we were irritated, we would raise our voices and tell each other what was on our mind. When we were mad, we would throw stuff. When we were really pissed, we would say nothing. In Kathy’s house growing up, they handled disagreements completely different. Actually they wouldn’t argue at all. It was peace at all cost. If they were irritated, they said absolutely nothing. When they were mad, they would sweep it under the rug. When they were really pissed, they would write a letter.

When I would raise my voice and tell Kathy what I was thinking, she would think, “This guy is completely out of control. Maybe it will blow over, so I’m saying nothing,” What did silence mean in my house? Anger, so I would in turn blow another gasket…then she would get more quiet. We were a divorce just to waiting to happen.

Which way was right?

1. Speak the Truth: It doesn’t matter who you hurt. This resulted in verbal shrapnel all over the place.

2. Be Loving and Say Nothing. Sweep everything under the rug. This resulted in a lumpy carpet of unresolved issues, which we both would trip on.

Neither. Both are wrong. Both don’t work.

I was good at speaking the truth. She was good at loving. What we needed was to learn to do what Paul said in Ephesians 4:15 “Instead, WE WILL SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” We needed to learn to speak the truth in love.

And the journey of learning a whole new way of resolving conflict began…

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic

Marriage: Ground Rules for Fighting Fair

Everyone fights, but most couples don’t get it right. Many people never sit down to establish ground rules as husband and wife for handling disagreements. Here’s six that have helped Kathy and I in our eighteen years of marriage.

1. Choose the Right Place and the Right Time. Set up a time when you both are not tired or hungry. Have some watch the kids. Sit down face to face/eye to eye/knee to knee. Hold hands, pray and ask God to give you wisdom to discuss this peacefully.

2. Focus on the Issue, Not Winning. Learn how to attack the issues without attacking each other. You are both on the same team working together on a solution to the problem.

3. Allow One Person to Speak at a Time. Don’t’ talk over. Don’t talk down. Come ready to listen to their side and ready to figure out next step.

4. Try to Understand Their Underlying Hurt, Fear, Frustration. The underlying emotions in any disagreement are fear, hurt and frustration. Understand yourself. Understand them. Ask questions, listen to what’s beneath the conflict and try to see the pain from their perspective.

5. Confess My Part of the Conflict. Even if you are only 1% wrong and 99% right, apologize and confess your part. “I’m sorry for overreacting.” “I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel.” “I’m sorry for hurting you.” Be the first person to say, “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me…”

6. Commit to Forgive Each Other. Forgiveness is the foundation of every relationship and marriage is a commitment to daily forgiveness. Don’t say, “It’s no big deal”…Say “I forgive you for…” and move forward.

These six steps weren’t easy for us to learn and we don’t always have it all together, but they have helped Kathy and I go from destructive to constructive fights. To be honest, the key for both of us has been our relationship with Christ. I couldn’t have changed by my own strength. It’s been his power, his grace, and his forgiveness in our lives that has given us the fuel to face our shortcomings, change and become more of who God intended us to be.

Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Ephesians. 4:31

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy. Hebrews 12:14

“CONFLICT” SERIES continues @ Epic

30/30: Marriage. Disappointment. God.

“I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It’s foolish to expect from one another that which only Jesus Christ can be…always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a marriage under an impossible strain.” Ruth Graham

I’ve found a lot of marital conflict and disappointment comes when we look to our spouse to meet needs that only God himself can meet. I’ve been guilty of expecting a lot of things from Kathy that could only be met by Christ. When you start looking to your spouse to meet needs that God Himself has said that He is responsible to meet, you’re making that person into god and you’re setting yourself up for massive dose of disappointment and bitterness. Nobody can meet all your needs. Instead of expecting your mate to meet all your needs, God wants you to look to Him.

“Weapons of Mass Destruction” that Will Destroy Your Marriage

In modern warfare, countries agree not to use certain weapons: Nuclear weapons, Chemical Weapons, Biological Weapons…Weapons of Mass Destruction. Even though we’re fighting a war, we will agree that some weapons are too deadly, too devastating to be used in the fight. Even though we are in the heat of battle, will agree that certain weapons if used will destroy BOTH sides. In your marriage, you need to do the same thing. If you want your marriage to go the distance, some words need to be completely eliminated form your vocabulary.

1. Atomic Lies: “You always… You never…” We lie when we use the phrase “always” and “never.” Those statements are meant to destroy the person and are just not true. It’s hitting below the belt, you can find at least one example where they didn’t act that way.

2. Cold War (Silent Contempt). In my house growing up, when we were mad, we yelled. When we were real mad. we threw stuff. When we were pissed, we gave them the silent treatment. Rolling your eyes and saying nothing shows disrespect and is destroying the foundation of your marriage.

3. Character Assassination. Sniping with sarcasm, belittling, insults, getting historical (listing everything they have ever done wrong) or gossiping are completely destructive. They will not just take out your spouse, but will destroy your marriage.

4. Divorce Missiles. Threatening to divorce your spouse is a nuclear explosion and fallout will be seen for years.

Today you need to resolve to commit your words to Jesus Christ. “It doesn’t matter how angry we get at each other. We are going to fight fair. Words are powerful and words can be hurtful. We have made some mistakes in the past, but let’s make this stuff out-of-bounds from now on. It’s hurting us too bad. It’s killing us too much. We will agree to eliminate weapons of mass destruction.”

A fool gives full vent to anger, but a wise person quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11

“CONFLICT” SERIES CONTINUES @ EPIC

New Series @ Epic: CONFLICT

PEOPLE FIGHT, SO GET IT RIGHT

Conflict is inevitable in relationships. Its how you handle it that makes all the difference in the world. God has given practical insight on how to be honest about our feelings, resolve differences constructively and experience real forgiveness.

Join us at Epic Church in November for Conflict, a series that can radically improve your current relationships and help restore broken ones.

Nov. 15 Fighting Fair
Nov. 22 Speaking the Truth in Love
Nov. 29 Forgive and Live

30/30: This Economy Makes a Strong Man Weak

In the last eight months of ministry, I have talked to more people who are depressed, down, discouraged and defeated than the prior three years put together.

This economy makes a strong man weak.

Years ago when I would hear men say, “My primary role is to provide for my family,” I would challenge them to think again. They were missing it. More than your income, your wife and your kids need your leadership. They need you.

Never is that more true, but it was easier to say then. A few years ago, providing for the family was a given. It was normal. Now everything has changed.

I know so many men and women who are struggling just to find employment. They feel like they’ve punched in the gut. And the body blows are enough to bring us to our knees.

It’s hard to admit, but the truth is “Sometimes, we can’t make it on our own.”

It’s hard to admit, but the truth is “You don’t have to go it alone.”

I think U2 said it well…

Who do you need to depend on this week? Maybe it’s a friend. Maybe it’s your spouse. Is carrying it by yourself really getting you anywhere? It’s okay to need other people. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

And it’s okay to need God. Actually, Jesus extends this invitation…“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 Because sometimes you can’t make it on your own.

Lust: 5 Questions Every Man Needs to Ask

One of the biggest temptations that takes out a man of God is…lust. Often times when it comes to sexual temptation, we say that it’s “no big deal” or “I can handle this.” But if we are going to get the finish line of our faith and stay faithful to our spouse, we need to a make a commitment like Job. “ I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.” Job 31:1. We need to get serious about developing a sexual strategy to stay faithful. So stop being a wuss and man up!

Am I Man Enough to…

1. Geographically avoid the wrong environments? Am I willing to avoid those areas that I struggle? Strip clubs, late night on the computer, etc.

2. Relationally avoid being alone with someone of the opposite sex? Am I willing to put boundries up like “no” traveling or lunches alone with somene of the opposite sex?

3. Emotionally have my needs met by no one other than my spouse? Most affairs start with an emotional connection, not a physically connection. Am I willing to only talk about personal marriage issues with my spouse?

4. Technologically put to filter on my computer?

5. Be Accountable to be asked the tough questions? Men we can’t be who God has called us to be alone. Am I willing to develop close friendships with other men who will consistently ask me “How are you doing with God? How’s your thought life? How’s your marriage?”

When the stats are as high as 50% of married men and 43% of married women will end up having an affair, we need to pull out all of the stops to be intentional about sexual purity.